


will you wait for me?

by onhos



Category: SHINee
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Developing Relationship, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Post Enlistment, Texting, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, jinki: JNSJKNFJKFN????????????????????, kibum: i love u
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-27
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2020-07-23 00:22:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20000899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onhos/pseuds/onhos
Summary: “Hyung,” Kibum says, “I’m in love with you. I have been for years.”Jinki freezes with his mug almost at his lips, his mouth wide open in surprise.





	will you wait for me?

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this to get out of writer's block ajkndkjfnf
> 
> onkey soulmates
> 
> ily <3

Jinki blows the steam from the hot cocoa, so it rises in the air and around his face, drifting over his nose which has turned a little red from the cold; his gloved hands are soft around the mug, his shoulders hunched as he leans forward, and his hair looks longer now beneath his fuzzy hat, all the way down the back of his neck. Wrapped in his coat, his face, hidden under his mask, flushed pink from the chill, Kibum thinks that Jinki still looks as young as he had when they first met, and still as pretty.

Kibum, too, thinks he hasn’t changed so much on the outside either. He’s leaning back in his seat, his eyebrows raised, his feet crossed beneath the table. He’s finally swapped the coat he wore in the military to a more fashionable one, and for the first time in a while he feels comfortable with himself.

Despite seeing Jinki several times when they were enlisted, it’s still strange to see him in a relaxed environment like this - and it had been a long time since Jinki was discharged, long enough for Jinki to release his first full album and more, so Kibum hadn’t seen him in many months, and right now it feels simultaneously like he’s seeing him for the first time, and for the last.

The cafe is a place he knows Jinki would like - quiet, soft, a lack of people and a drifting radio that makes the air seem magical. Hot drinks and rich sweet food, the bustle of the world outside that seems distant inside these walls. It’s a place where Jinki can feel alone, even if he’s sitting opposite Kibum at the table.

“So, Japanese comeback, eh?” Kibum says, and Jinki grins, embarrassed. “About time you got your album out there.”

“It’ll be strange,” Jinki says, “Without you guys there. Ah, I’m so used to going to Japan with you. It’s my first time promoting on my own.”

“You’ll be  _ fine. _ ” Kibum says. “We can practice some Japanese now, c’mon.”

Jinki pulls a face, and Kibum smiles.

“You just came back, and already I’m leaving.” Jinki says. “Will we ever be in the same place at the same time?”

That’s a complicated question, Kibum thinks, eyeing Jinki’s gloved hands and wondering if he’s allowed to touch them.

“I think I’ll survive a few more months without you.” Kibum says. “Actually, I can’t wait.”

“Hey!” Jinki says, but he’s smiling beneath his mask. Kibum can see the crinkle by his eyes, the way they close slightly when he’s happy. Some habits of Jinki’s will remain fixed in his mind forever, stuck there and resting and blooming. “Respect your hyung!”

(If he’d thought about Jinki’s smile some nights when he’d been away from Jinki for too long, well, that’s not the point).

“What did you call me here to talk about?” Jinki asks, after a comfortable moment, and Kibum pauses over his coffee.

If Kibum is honest with himself, he’s taking the easy way out. Telling Jinki after all of these years will feel so easy, because then Jinki can disappear to Japan for a while and Kibum won’t have to think about it anymore. Months in the military away from SHINee had put everything into sharp perspective - if Kibum doesn’t confess now, when things are calm and gentle, he never will. Kibum prides himself on being honest: secrets aren’t easy to keep. This is why he’s speaking now, rather than when it’s too late and the words are still stuck inside of him.

“There’s something I need to tell you.” Kibum says, gently, his breath a little caught when he tries to speak. Already, he’s terrified - the vulnerability of placing his heart on the table, where Jinki can look at it or touch it or  _ crush  _ it, makes him want to run away. “You know I like being honest.”

“I do.” Jinki says, fondly. “It helped me a lot as a leader, you know. I’m not as good as you at talking about things.”

“Yeah.” Kibum says. Looking into Jinki’s warm eyes, Kibum has to do this. He has to. For himself, more than anyone; to let go of the secret on his back, before it breaks his shoulders.

“Hyung,” Kibum says, “I’m in love with you. I have been for years.”

Jinki freezes with his mug almost at his lips, his mouth wide open in surprise.

“I’m sorry that I’m telling you now.” He continues, steadily, “Or that I’m telling you at all. But you know how I hate secrets.”

For a moment, something broken passes over Jinki’s face - some terror, some rawness, that Kibum has never seen before. Kibum’s heart trembles on the surface of the table, and the room seems to be silent, and everything breaks between them, for better or for worse.

“I think,” Kibum continues. “Hiding who I am and what I feel isn’t the way to live, don’t you think? I won’t let it ruin the group dynamic, when everyone comes back, don’t worry. I just wanted you to know.”

There is nothing but the sound of Jinki breathing.

I’ve already bared my heart, Kibum thinks, I might as well  _ try.  _ He thinks of Jinki taking his hand whenever he needs comfort. He thinks of all the time they spent together. He thinks of their sleepless nights, 

“Do you think, maybe,” Kibum tilts his head. “We could one day be together? I thought you might...”

“Oh.” Jinki says.

Kibum can understand why it would be a surprise - his affection with Jinki (gentle touches, soft hugs) has never been more than  _ best friends.  _ They way they had stuck to one another over the years came out of a reciprocal respect - Kibum wonders how much his confession has broken the way Jinki sees them. Wonders if their friendship will be different, now. He still doesn’t regret confessing.

There is a moment, when Jinki’s hands shake around the mug and he has to set it down, that Kibum thinks Jinki will run away.

Then his vulnerable expression slips into a calm mask, and Kibum wishes that Jinki (shaken, terrified,  _ honest  _ Jinki) __ would come back. 

“Thank you for telling me.” Jinki says, soft, “That’s brave, and I’m grateful. Honoured, even. I don’t judge you or anything, I- I-”

Jinki reaches across the table, his gloved hands wrapping around Kibum’s bare fingers.

“I didn’t expect- I didn’t know-” Jinki smiles, slightly, but it seems forced. “I have a lot to think about, Kibum-ah. You understand, right?”

(Yes, he understands. The first time Kibum had wanted to kiss Jinki, years and years ago, he’d hidden in the dorm bathroom until Minho had hammered on the door and forced him out.)

“I-” Vulnerability flits across Jinki’s face again. Kibum’s heart jumps on the table. “I’m not saying  _ no.  _ I’m saying- will you wait for me? Until I get back from Japan?”

“Okay.” Kibum says.

(He doesn’t say  _ I’ll wait for you forever,  _ because he’s spoken far too much for one day).

*

**2:23am**

**Jinki:** bummieeee

**Jinki:** kibum-ah

**Jinki:** kim kibum

**Jinki:** もう会いたくなってきた。(I miss you already, more and more)

**Kibum:** good job with the japanese, hyung :)

(unsent)  **Kibum:** I always miss you.

(unsent)  **Jinki:** I’ll come home to you soon

*

Two weeks after Jinki has disappeared for Japanese promotions, Kibum gets a phone call. He’s lying on the sofa, CommeDes sleeping on his chest, thinking about what his plans for the future are. There’s quite a while until Minho and Taemin come back, so he has the opportunity to pursue whatever solo career he likes. He’s thought about acting, a new album, or even a fashion line - he strokes the pup’s head absent mindedly, lost in thought.

Then his phone rings.

Kibum answers it sleepily, rubbing at his eyes.

“Kibum?” A warm voice says.

“Hyung?” He asks.

Jinki breathes into the phone, and his voice sounds slurred.

“Kibum-ah, I’m so confused.” He says, rambling, and Kibum can hear chatter in the background. It sounds like a bar. “Nothing makes sense anymore. We’ve always been close, right? The best of friends. How did this happen? What does it mean?”

“Calm down.” Kibum says. “I can’t decide that for you.”

“I know- I know-” Jinki sighs. “I’m sorry. I’m just so scared.”

“Is it being gay that scares you?” Kibum asks. “Or me?”

There’s a long moment of silence.

“Neither,” Jinki says, at last, “It’s love.”

*

**5:57pm**

**Jinki:** I embarrassed myself on the phone yesterday didn’t I :(

**Jinki:** sorry kibummie

**Jinki:** I’ve never been in love with anyone before

**Jinki:** I don’t know what it means

**Jinki:** I’m not good at being vulnerable

**Kibum:** you’re funny hyung ^^

**Kibum:** just focus on your comeback, okay?

**Kibum:** everything will be fine

**Kibum:** you’re doing a good job

**Jinki:** :D

(unsent)  **Jinki:** I think I migh

_ Will we ever be in the same place at the same time,  _ Jinki had said. The question hurts a little more than before.

*

A month after Jinki leaves, Kibum gets a package in the post. It’s wrapped in a tight bow, Jinki’s handwriting scrawled on the front. The loveliest turtleneck, perfect for Kibum’s style, and the cutest letter are inside. Jinki had always loved sending him gifts.

_ Kibum  _ ^^

_ Do you miss me? Here’s a gift!!! I’ll come home to you soon.  _

_ Your hyung. _

Kibum pulls the jumper on and the world feels warm.

He thinks of Jinki - kind, humble, silly Jinki - searching around the shops for something Kibum might like, his hair ruffled by the winter breeze. It makes him want to cry.

“You got me a gift.” Kibum drawls, casually, when Jinki calls him later. As if his heart hadn’t been racing ever since.

“You like it?”

“No.” Kibum lies. “It’s not my style.”

It’s worth it for the rich sound of Jinki’s laugh drifting over the phone. He feels closer than before. Like his lips are at Kibum’s ear. This is when Kibum misses him most of all.

*

**Jinki:** kibum-ah, when I’m alone I keep remembering things

**Jinki:** we had lots of fun together, didn’t we?

**Jinki:** we’ve always lifted each other up

**Jinki:** thank you for being a good friend to me

**Jinki:** I want to get chicken with you ^^

**Jinki:** like old times

**Jinki:** I miss you a lot

**Jinki:** are you still waiting for me?

**Jinki:** I hope you are

**Kibum:** :) I am

**Jinki:** thank you

**Jinki:** it’s cruel to make you wait

**Jinki:** but something in me doesn’t want to say no to you

**Jinki:** am I selfish?

**Kibum:** you’re human, hyung

**Kibum:** you have to let yourself have feelings

**Kibum:** it’s fine to be confused

**Kibum:** I’ll wait for you

**Jinki:** you are a better leader than me :D

**Kibum:** don’t say things like that… !!!

**Jinki:** aw, did I fluster you?

**Kibum:** no!!! >:(

**Jinki:** cute

**Jinki:** kibum-ah, when I come home, let’s see each other right away, okay?

**Jinki:** I don’t like being away from you for too long

**Jinki:** the military too :( at least I could see you a little while then

**Jinki:** but even when we are far apart

**Jinki:** you are the closest person to me in the world

**Jinki:** does that make sense?

**Kibum:** yeah

**Jinki:** good :D

**Jinki:** so don’t worry

**Jinki:** I’ll always be beside you

**Jinki:** even if it’s not in the way you want

**Kibum:** I knew that already ^^

(unsent)  **Jinki:** but 

(unsent)  **Jinki:** what if I loved you back?

(unsent)  **Jinki:** I’m sure I have all along

(unsent)  **Jinki:** and I’m scared

(unsent)  **Jinki:** I trust you enough to open up to you

(unsent)  **Jinki:** I want to give you my heart

(unsent) **Jinki:** maybe I will

*

Three weeks later, Kibum is standing outside of Jinki’s apartment in the snow. There are snow flakes on the tips of his hair, the places that can’t be hidden by his hat; he’s wearing gloves, today, the winter making him hide beneath huge layers of clothes and woolly scarves. He breathes into his mask and the world is white around him.

“Kibum-ah.” Jinki greets, when he opens the door. 

Kibum feels warm when he finally sees Jinki again. Standing in the doorway, his eyes bright and excited, his jumper long enough that it reaches his knees, Jinki looks like he never left at all. 

“I missed you.” Jinki says, through his bubbling grin. He places his warm hands on Kibum’s shoulders, and the world freezes. For a moment, Kibum thinks Jinki might lean down and kiss him. 

“Hyung.” Kibum says, softly, and Jinki just squeezes his shoulder then moves to let him inside.

When Kibum takes off his coat, shaking the snow from his hat, he forgets that he’s wearing the jumper Jinki gave him. It was an impulsive sentimental decision, something Kibum would usually scoff at from anyone else, but maybe, for once, Kibum wanted to feel romantic. He wouldn’t admit it out loud.

He turns to hang up his coat, scarf and hat, his back to Jinki.

Then Jinki steps forward and wraps his arm around Kibum’s back. He’s warm, pressed against Kibum, his face buried in Kibum’s neck. Kibum feels Jinki’s breath catch and warm uncurls in him, pressing against his skin, making him smile.

“You do like my gift, after all.” Jinki mumbles, into the skin of his neck.

“You’re clingy today.” Kibum says.

“Hey! It’s a crime to miss you?” Jinki says. He squeezes Kibum tighter. “Kibum-ah. I missed you. I missed you. I missed you.”

“Stop it.” Kibum says, half heartedly, his cheeks pink.

“Why, are you embarrassed?” Jinki sings, grinning into his neck. “Am I flustering the almighty key?”

“Shut up.” Kibum grumbles, as if he isn’t stepping back into Jinki’s space, fitting himself closer. If they stayed like that for the rest of the day, Kibum wouldn’t mind at all, even if his legs started to ache and Jinki’s grip became too tight.

For a moment, Kibum thinks he feels Jinki’s mouth press lightly at the skin of his neck, as if in a kiss. But then Jinki steps back, his cheeks flushed and his smile nervous.

“Ah, I got carried away.” He says. “Come on. Let’s eat chicken together, okay?”

So then they’re sitting together, their knees pressed together, while Jinki rambles about Japan through his chicken and Kibum listens, the television a soft thrum over the conversation. Kibum thinks that if this is the only way he can have Jinki, he wouldn’t mind. Some things are more precious than the aching longing in his chest. Kibum bites into his chicken and thinks that this is the happiest he’s been in a long time.

Jinki stops eating for a moment, and Kibum freezes when he leans forward and presses his thumb against the side of Kibum’s mouth. 

“Sauce.” Jinki says.

(On the surface, this has happened hundreds of times before. But before, Jinki’s hand hadn’t been shaking, and that makes all the difference).

Now, Jinki’s hand hovers by Kibum’s mouth.

He presses his thumb to Kibum’s mouth again, and brushes it gently against Kibum’s bottom lip.

“Kibum.” He murmurs.

It’s surreal when Jinki moves forwards. A dream to have Jinki’s hands on his cheeks. 

When Jinki presses their mouths together, finally, it’s something magic. Shared breathing, Jinki’s thumbs stroking Kibum’s cheeks, the way Jinki makes a hum of pleasure and presses closer, closer. If Kibum let him, he’s sure Jinki would kiss him all day, their noses touching a little. There’s a part of Kibum that wants to give him and let him. Crawl into Jinki’s lap, sigh into his mouth, let go.

The other part of Kibum values himself more than that, so he pushes away and stands up quickly.

“Hyung?” He asks, his voice firm. He looks down at the ground, where Jinki looks uncertain. His hands are shaking in his lap. “What are you doing?”

“You said you’d wait for me.” Jinki says. “Didn’t you?”

“Not for  _ this. _ ” Kibum shakes his head. “What did you think I was waiting for?  _ Sex?  _ Aren’t we more important than that?”

Jinki opens his mouth to speak, then he doesn’t.

“Forget about it.” Kibum says, angry. “I’d rather be your friend. Forget I said anything in the first place. You know, for a moment I thought that- nevermind.”

Kibum turns to leave. 

“Wait-!” 

But he’s already in the doorway, hastily pulling on his hat and scarf and coat, fury curling inside of him and making him want to run. He walks out of the door quickly, out into the heavy snow.

There are footsteps behind him.

Jinki catches his arm, turns him around, and pulls Kibum tightly against his chest while the snow falls around them.

“I’m sorry,” Jinki says, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I haven’t been doing this right.”

Kibum is stiff inside Jinki’s arms.

“I thought I could tell you without words. I didn’t want to- I was so scared-” Jinki’s arms tighten, and Kibum tries not to melt against him. “You’re right, we’re worth more than that, we are.”

Jinki pulls back, and brushes the snowflake that has fallen on Kibum’s nose.

“Okay.” Jinki says. “Here goes.”

Then he grins.

“I’m in love with you too. I think I always have been, but I never wanted to think about it. You know I do that a lot, I don’t accept my feelings… and plus, you’ve always been so brave, and so cool, and so gorgeous. So even if it was the case, there would be no point anyway-” Jinki takes a deep breath. “But then you told me, and everything that I thought about us changed, and everything I’d kept hidden just came back to me. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I’m sorry I didn’t realise it before.”

“Kibum-ah.” Jinki says. “I love you too. I do, I love you so much. You’re my best friend in the whole world. My soulmate, I think.”

Kibum, of all things,  _ giggles.  _ He hides his face in Jinki’s jumper.

“You can’t say something like that.” He mumbles.

“Why not? It’s true.” Jinki says. “Hey, be my boyfriend.”

“No.” Kibum says. He pulls away to kiss Jinki’s cheek. “Absolutely not.”

*

**11:45pm**

**Kibum:** hyunngggggggg

**Kibum:** let me kiss you soon

**Kibum:** i’m getting withdrawal symptoms

**Kibum:** what if I die? are you going to take responsibility?

**Jinki:** who’s clingy now? ^^

**Jinki:** you’ll see me tomorrow

**Jinki:** then you can do whatever you want

**Jinki:** wait for me

**Kibum:** i don’t want to :(

**Jinki:** mwah

**Jinki:** :D I miss you too


End file.
